I completely agree with point 6. Well intended comments on Facebook have the potential to cause panic and stress and can unintentionally cause massive heartache. I found out about the death of my own twin brother through Facebook. He passed away very suddenly and the police were still trying to trace and inform us. The friends he was with at the time did not post on Facebook (having been warned by the police not to) but the friends who they told did. Tributes on Facebook have their place and I am the first to say that in the days and weeks after my brothers death I took great comfort and pride from the kind words said about him on Facebook. However, it is true that people need to be sure that the family have been afforded the dignity of being told of their loved ones death before posting such comments.

(This entry came through my e-mail. The writer asked me to post it here. -Rose)

Your suggestions are good.
My mom died 3 weeks ago: she was 95 and I'm 60, so I particularly appreciate your reminder to not say things like "she's in a better place, she lived a full life, etc." Age doesn't matter when it's someone you love so much. I had always prayed to be able to celebrate her 100th birthday, so unreasonable as it sounds, and despite the fact that I'd been her caregiver for 2 years, and had her in hospice palliative care----despite all that, her death was a bitter disappointment to me.
The other tip I would mention is "don't be so arrogant and presumptuous as to send your religious representative to counsel the dying." My mother hadn't been a churchgoer in years, but she lived every day in a fullness of Christ-like love and generosity of spirit. Yet some of my cousins sent their blowhard Baptist preacher to ask if she was saved! I am trying to forgive them, but it's hard.

I've been waiting decades to speak out on this issue. When I was 26 yr. old and all on my own except for my friends, two of my children died 4 months apart from different medical causes. It was a sink or swim situation, and I decided never, ever to fault anyone for how they decided to address or approach me or my grief.

I remember as child being nudged forward to express my 9 yr old condolences to a grieving widow standing vigil at her husband's coffin, and even as a child i understood: people fear grieving people, largely because they don't want to cause any additional pain and because death is simply not a comfortable arena.
so please be grateful that your friends are brave enough to say or do whatever it is they choose to say or do (never think, feel, or be critical of their awkward attempts) and never ever use the loss of of someone dear to you to be demanding of your friends.
Live your life for yourself and for your lost loved ones; live it as happily, fully, kindly, nonjudgmentally and as forgivingly as you can.

Can anyone out there advise me as to if I am right to feel this way or is this just how it is these days?

I feel sick that when my Dad died, his own brother and sister attended the funeral but neither parties nor their grown children sent flowers, cards or memorials as requested. I feel so much anger over this that I want to completely cut off any relationships. Each one gave a quick phone call that was not in attendance. Is this acceptable in today's society? I feel that my father who died was completely disrespected and ignored as well as our surviving family, his wife and 2 surviving children.
Feeling sick to my stomach with anger!!

Great tips Rose. I also agree that #6 should be read. After losing my dad last November, I kind of wish I had all of those tips then. I am going to suggest to the funeral homes that they should publish something like this.

Well written and thoughtful. They should pass this out with every highschool graduating class.

Number 6 is so important today. My husband learned of a good friend's passing this way.

I am sorry to hear your loss. I still think of my family members who have passed away frequently. I still have dreams about them. I still have some days that are not easy.

Rose - This is an excellent blog. My father died many years ago, and while I cannot remember a word anyone said to me during the funeral or visitation, to this day I remember that they were there. Their presence meant more than anything.

Oh, Rose, I wish I had known about your blog earlier. I lost my mom, my mother-in-law, and my father all within 4 months last year. All these things you say are so true. One thing that upset me greatly was that, since we usually send a cheery Christmas note in our cards, we chose to send our cards very early with a simple note about our loss and that our wish for all was to cherish those they have, wherever they may be. We sent this before anyone else sent us cards, yet only a couple of people sent even a line in their cards that they were sorry for our loss. Maybe they thought a Christmas card was not the right venue, but it would have been fine with me and better than ignoring our family's obvious pain. (Especially since no one followed up with a separate sympathy card.) Also, as an only child, I am the one to clean out my family home, and it is not usually the grief that gets me, it's being overwhelmed with all there is to do - and grief counseling really doesn't address that part.

I lost one of my twin daughters and the absolute worst thing someone said was, "maybe there would have been something wrong with her". As if that would make me love her less! I think the best thing anyone can say is a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss". People want to make you feel better and end up rambling, searching for something to say, then you end up consoling them. I have a huge list of things not to say when you lose a twin or multiple but it's very long. If anyone wants it, I can pass it along.

Thank you for your thoughts on this topic...and my condolences to you on your losses. This is timely for me as a good friend has just lost one of her parents. Excellent tips.